Listener's Guide

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The Role of the Listener

The most common mistakes made by inexperienced listeners are caused by a failure to understand the role of the listener.  As such it is worthwhile taking a moment to consider what the purpose of effective listening is and, and, thereby, the role of the listener.

Effective Listening is meant to…
•    Allow the person speaking to explore any problems they might have and the issues surrounding them.
•    Arrive at their own solution to their problems if they desire to find one.
•    Talk in a safe, confidential, impartial and comfortable environment.

Therefore the Listener is not meant to…
•    Give advice to those who have come to see them.
•    Try to find a solution to a problem if the other person does not want to find a solution.
•    Attempt to steer anyone to a solution that they see as the most preferable if the other person wants to find a solution.
•    Attempt to focus discussion on issues that they think are significant, but that the other person feels are irrelevant.
•    Impress their own beliefs upon anyone who comes to talk to them.
•    Talk about the details of any conversation with anyone other than the other person except when given the express permission of that person or in extreme circumstances (for example when you feel that they are a threat to their own well being).

The Qualities of a Good Listener

It’s worthwhile considering the ways in which we act towards others.  Taking care to act in the following ways wile listening will help people feel safe in talking to you and hopefully will make your sessions more useful to them.

Non-Judgemental
Nothing will cause someone to lose faith in you as a listener faster than feeling judged.  Whatever you may think about a person or what they have done is irrelevant – try to ignore your opinions and treat the issue like you would any other.

Unassuming
Assumptions are often both wrong and sometimes offensive.  A wrong assumption can lead you to misunderstand someone’s situation, which will make you appear as though you have not been paying attention.  Always ask if you are unsure.

Warm
Even the smallest things such as offering a drink or a biscuit at the beginning of the session and maintaining a warm tone will help someone feel comfortable talking to you about whatever is troubling them.

Attentive
If someone believes that you are not paying attention to them then it will seem as though you don’t think that their concerns are important.  This can be belittling, and will hinder their opening up to you and hence keep you from helping them.

Non-Directional – Which may need a bit of explaining…

Non-Directionality
Perhaps the best way to define Non-directionality would be to say that to be non-directional means to attempt to influence the course, content and outcome f a listening session as little as possible and to leave the other person to determine these as much as it is possible.

The importance of non-directionality is that it permits the other person to freely talk about what it is that is bothering them and to introduce new topics that they feel are important as and when they are ready.  The alternative is that the listener structures the conversation focusing on what they consider to be important (which may well be wrong), leading towards a conclusion (which may well be inappropriate).

When listening try to remember to…
•    Follow clues dropped by the other person as to what is bothering them (not everyone will be forthcoming with their problems).
•    Not expect everyone to have a problem – people may just want to talk to someone.
•    Not to try to solve peoples’ problems for them – if they want a solution found they will bring the subject up and if they do it is better that they explore the possibilities with you than you bring them to the solution that you think is best for them.
•    Ask ‘Open Questions’ – questions which cannot be answered with one or two words alone and which do not suggest a particular course of action.
•    Above all else try to help the other person talk about what they want to talk about – whatever that might be.

Different types of Question

Open and Closed Questions
A Closed Question is one that requires only a very short response – often just ‘yes’ or ‘no’.  Such questions often with phrases like ‘Did…’ or ‘Do you think…’ and should be avoided as much as possible because they hinder people from giving extended answers to questions that might reveal more information about what is troubling them.  An additional benefit is that, if the person whom you are talking to can be encouraged to give longer answers then you will need to think of fewer questions!

By contrast Open Questions often begin with ‘What’, “Why’, ‘How’ and will encourage the other person to give their opinion rather than t feel pressured into giving the answers you feel to be right.  For instance…

Closed question: Are you struggling with your work?
Open Question:  How are you finding your work?

Or:

Closed Question:  Is you revision going well?
Open Question:  How is you revision going?

Information and Feeling – Level Questions
Put simply these questions concern the facts that surround an issues and the emotions that cause it to be of concern.  A balance must be struck between these types of question.  Ask too little about the facts surrounding an issue and you won’t understand the other person’s situation.  Ask too much and you will not sufficiently explore the emotions that have caused the other person to come to see you in the first place.

Planning a Session

When planning a session it is important to be honest about the circumstances in which you find yourself and take these into consideration rather than making arrangements based exclusively around what best suits the other person.  You will simply not be able to perform to the best of your abilities if you are under time constraints or are feeling emotionally fragile an, if you are approached during such times, it is better that you refer the person to someone else or arrange a suitable time for them to come back than listen inadequately.

As such, first and foremost you should plan a time that is mutually convenient and that you know will not be inconvenient for you if the session overruns.  However, as an additional precaution, you should make the other person aware of how much time you can have free at a given point for a session.  If a problem is significantly worrying people can be included to continue talking about it until they reach a natural conclusion and this in some cases takes hours – if not longer.   In your capacity as a Listener you are in no way expected to cope with sessions of this duration and by setting a point at which a session must end before it starts and sticking to it you save yourself from getting caught in a session which you simply do not have the time for.

You might not always have the luxury of being able to plan a session as people may simply arrive at tour door asking to talk.  In such instances it is best to be absolutely honest about what, if any, tie you have and to schedule a better time if you cannot talk with that person right away or else refer them onto someone else who might have time to talk.

Beginning a Session
The start of a session sets the tone for all that follows.  If you can begin by making the other person feel safe and comfortable the they are liable to be more forthcoming when answering your questions and your task will be made all the easier.  The following is a list of things you can do to help make someone more comfortable…
•    Physically open the door for them when they knock, don’t simply call them in.
•    Offer them a drink or something to eat if you have anything – but don’t persist in asking if declined; if it was out of politeness they will ask for something later.
•    Offer them a proper chair – it’ll feel more natural to talk that way than on a bed or some such.
•    Ask them if they have any questions that they want to ask about what’s going to happen.
•    Explain about the confidentiality policy of the session.
•    If you prefer to take notes during sessions to help you keep track of what has been said then ask if the other person is comfortable with this.

You will not always know what the other person has come to talk to you about, and in some cases when you think you know what the issue is you may discover something deeper which is the real root of the problem.  As such starting the conversation can prove difficult.  In most circumstances asking a very general open question such as ‘How has your week been?” is a good ideas as it can be answered in so many ways.

Listening without Talking

The most effective way to listen is for the listener to do as little talking a possible and ask questions that result in the sort of lengthy answers that give the other person the freedom to structure the conversation as they choose.  However, in doing this the listener becomes more and more detached from the proceedings and the person with whom he or she is talking may start to feel alienated from them, feel less comfortable talking to them and start to withdraw from them.

Below are a few things that you can do to engage with the other person without disrupting their speaking…

NVR is short for ‘Non-Verbal Responses’ – these are the ‘umms’ and ‘ahhs’ that underpin all everyday conversation yet are so easily eliminated when you are concentrating on speech.  A reassuring noise here and there will make a big difference to the impression made by the listener.

Eye Contact – Making eye contact will suggest to the other person that you are really paying attention to them and that you are taking their problem seriously.  Even if they are avoiding eye contact with you your eyes should be looking at where theirs are in case they look up.

Tone – Keep the tone of your voice just below that of the person you’re talking to.  That way you sound as though you’re interacting with them and not treating them as any old case, but also makes it easier for you to adopt a more appropriate tone if they should suddenly change their tone from happy to sad.

Information and Advice

It has been mentioned before it is critical that the Listener never offer directional advice.  During the time that a student listener has available they will simply not have the titme to develop the skills required to makes such judgements about what is best for the people they are listening to, nor learn enough about the circumstances in which they find themselves to make such proposals.  This is why we advocate trying to assist the other person in finding their own solution should they wish to find one.  As such the question that every listener dreads most is "What do you think I should do?”  However, this question can easily be reflected back to the speaker with ‘I don’t know – what have you thought about doing?’  Similarly reflection is a very good technique to be used whenever a listener is asked for their opinion on a subject (something a listener should never air in such circumstances).

Information, however, is something that Listeners should be prepared to give.  However, it is not as simple as that.

•    You should never proffer information, but rather wait to be asked for it or else you might be trying to lead the conversation in the direction of a particular solution.
•    You should give all of the relevant information at your disposal, not just what you think is relevant.
•    You should only give the information that you have been asked for.

There are many sources of suitable information, but a good starting point is the OUSU “Survival Guide’.

Listening Techniques

We can all listen, in the clinical sense of the word; it is simply responding as one would to a friend with a problem.  However, it is made more complicated by the fact that we are not talking to a friend, but rather someone who has come to see us in some occupational capacity and, as such, our dialogue must follow a more rigid structure in order to most efficiently provide that which they have come to see us for.  As such here are some techniques that combined with everyday conversational skills will assist in Effective Listening…

Reflection – As previously mentioned this is the reflecting back of ideas and words to someone to ask them to elaborate and hopefully provide more information.  Often people will use deliberately loaded words or phrases to describe themselves or their situation in the hope that you will pick up on them and ask them what they mean.

‘Asking about feelings’ - Don’t be scared to ask about how people are feeling about their situation, especially if you’ve explored the facts extensively and there doesn’t seem too much more to talk about there.  It’s often appropriate to ask about someone’s feelings and not just about the factual content of their situation.  Be careful about asking ‘stock’ questions like ‘how do you feel about that’ or ‘how does that make you feel’ too often though.  Asked occasionally they can be very effective (particularly if you’re stuck) but asked too often they can seem formulaic.

Following Leads – If someone is stressing or returning to a topic that you can’t see the relevant of, ask about it!  You may well find that there is connection and that the other person wants to talk about this subject.

Referral and breaking confidentiality – Why, How and to Whom

Referral is a difficult topic to discuss in terms of Listening.  There is no formal procedure and you will have to rely on your own judgement (in discussion with any supervisor) as to whether what is the right course of action.

As a general rule of thumb if you think a referral is in order then you are right to think so.

Possible reasons include…
•    The problem is of such a scale that it needs more attention than you can provide.
•    The problem requires specialist attention (e.g. academic problems or medical conditions).
•    The problem is one you feel that you cannot deal with for whatever reason (e.g.. moral objection or that you find the subject matter traumatic).
•    You feel the person is becoming unhealthily dependent of you attention.
•    You do not have the time or resources to cope with listening to someone at that time.

Whom you refer the person to is partly your judgement, but sources of advice can include any supervisor, or the VP (Welfare and Equal Opportunities) at OUSU.  There’s also a lot of useful information on relevant organisations in the OUSU Survival Guide.

However, it’s important to work out your confidentiality policy in advance, and preferably to have this formulised in your common room and displayed where people can see it.  There’s more information on this in the OUSU ‘Rough Guide to Welfare’.  The procedure will vary from college to college depending on the welfare structure sin place, but whatever the set-up it is important to know ahead of time under what circumstances you will break confidentiality and who you will got to - trying to decide in the heat of the moment can be very stressful and could lead you to make a snap decision that you may later regret.

Ending and After a Session

Always try to end a session on time.  You are doing a service by acting as a listener and you are not obligated to have your listening intrude on your private life.  This said try to permit for the other person to have a minute or two to compose themselves before they leave if they need it. 

Offer the possibility of a further session if you think that you are an appropriate person to talk to, but don’t insist or even suggest tat you think that it is a good idea if you are declined.  If you offer is accepted and you feel that it would help you, ask if you can make a note of what has been said in that session – assuring them that it will be kept securely.

Once the other person has left you must assess how you have been affected.  Listeners can encounter some very traumatic issues and it would be foolish to believe that they were never affected by what they heard.  If you have been affected then talk to someone yourself.

A Final Word…

Whilst this booklet might on the surface appear daunting there is no need to worry.  Effectively Listening, once learnt, is not difficult and soon talking to people in this manner will become second nature.

Above all – don’t panic.